FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Solving a traffic jam
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while