It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
i dont have time for this
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
What number SPF blocks people?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up