Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
This pepper has seen some shit
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.