Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My god she’s good.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend