Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Hey I worked for it too!
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No