With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
When your man makes a valid point
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.