When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
when someone rings the doorbell
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.