me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
You Might Also Like
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you