*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
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Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
his wife is probably gonna see that
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
synchronized noseblowing
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?