Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
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Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I鈥檝e gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I鈥檒l shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can鈥檛 get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She鈥檚 not the first to ask me that.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won鈥檛 be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school鈥檚 lost and found section
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
馃拃
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let鈥檚 go. Where鈥檚 the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
馃摴 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.