Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.