10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship