The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
We’ve all been there…
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War