“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me trying to look natural in photos
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Not today
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right