me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
May never get over this
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK