Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
You Might Also Like
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …