Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
You Might Also Like
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.