I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”