Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.