My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook