My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.