My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
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Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?