Noted.
You Might Also Like
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup