Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Day 2 of my diet
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.