My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I have two kinds of followers
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross