People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable