[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Going to church you guys need anything
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
A leaf blower, but for people.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I came this close!!!!
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.