John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Camping tip: No.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”