I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
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The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I love you…
…r dog.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
best review i’ve ever seen
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
“How’s your day going?”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.