children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.