Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee