8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*