Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.