I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.