Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Going into Monday like
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
This is my brand.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?