[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
You Might Also Like
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I’d use my best pan on you.
I love it all
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste