Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
are there any atheist mantises?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.