*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I WON A HAM TODAY
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.