Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral