Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
also my go-to takeaway order
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home