“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
You Might Also Like
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener