God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Every photo I’m tagged in
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!