interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me in tagged photos
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Bread puns are on the rise!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Uh oh…
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?