My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
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[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My blood type is coffee.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground