No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.