looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?