[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*