Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
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[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN