don’t be scared
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.