I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers